By MARCIA MOXAM COMRIE

Betty Mallory is caught in a vicious cycle. This Springfield Gardens community activist has spent the past 20 years rearing her daughter’s three children. Mallory’s daughter, who has been ill most of her adult life, willingly reliquished her children. Although it’s a tragedy, Mallory is hopeful.

"I think it’s great that I can do it," she said. "I didn’t want to see them in foster homes or
up for adoption. If it’s possible, it’s good for grandparents to help."

Fortunately, not only are many of these grandparents finding the strength to step in, but they are also finding help.

Willard Hill, program director of Queens Village based Family Consultation Services, hosts a "grandparents support group" on Tuesday mornings and an after-school program during the school year.

"Sometimes the parents are very young," Hill said. "They had their children quite young and now they’re in their 30’s trying to get their lives together and they can’t deal with their own adolescents and the grandparents end up with them."

Willard Hill is the director of a program that is giving grandparents another look at raising kids. PRESS Photo by Ira Cohen

Hill’s program is funded by the City of New York Administration for children’s services. Willard contends that the program’s ultimate goal is to prevent children from being removed from their homes. Involving grandparents offers Children’s Services workers with an alternative to state guardianship. More importantly, it allows moms, who may have dropped the ball, a fast track to re-establishing themselves as responsible parents. "We can help speed up the process to get them reunited with their natural families through parenting classes or help them to find an apartment or get them enrolled in treatment programs," said Hill.

At a time when conventional wisdom says that grandparents should be looking forward to enjoying their retirement, seniors are stepping up to care for energetic youngsters to see that they don’t suffer from neglect.

"It’s right and it’s easy with lots of help," she said. "But you must participate with each one in their activities. Kids need activities. Put them in Sunday school, take them to the park, and give them an occasional treat, like lunch or breakfast at a restaurant, and you must participate in their school."

Mallory herself had lots of help. When she first took in her grandchildren, she had two of her own children and her husband to lend a hand. Most grandparents don’t have that much support and Mallory admitted she couldn’t have done it alone. While the reasons for abandonment or separation are myriad and the problems they create can be difficult, Mallory, now a widow, says it can be done.

According to Hill, often the children’s parents are incapable of taking care of their offspring because they are caught in the grip of powerful substance addictions. They may be in jail or even dead from their habits, and it is up to the grandparents to ensure that the innocent children stay together and out of the foster care system.

Some grandparents are so afraid of their drug-addicted children they quietly take the kids and simply pray that the parents will seek help for their addictions. One grandmother is so terrified of her daughter that she spoke to the PRESS only on the condition of anonymity.

"I’m afraid of her," she said simply. "She tends to get violent when she gets angry. That’s not the way she used to be, she used to be a good daughter and a loving mother but since the devil got a hold of her, she just changed and the kids are starting to get unruly now, too. I really don’t have the strength to raise teenagers twice," she said. "So I just pray."

Mallory concedes that sometimes the kids will get difficult as they get into their teens and placing them in a reputable group home, such as the one in Spring Valley in upstate NY, can be beneficial. Her grandson, now 23, benefited from the experience and even received an athletic scholarship to college. She also believes that when a grandparent considers taking in a child, it is wise to physically and mentally assess "where they are."

"You need to know what you’re dealing with," she says. "You never know, they could be dealing with physical abuse or the mothers could’ve been using drugs during pregnancy."

But chemical dependency is not the only reason grandparents end up with their children’s children. Sometimes too, the problem is due to stepparent issues. A stepparent may simply not want their partner’s children living with them, or in some cases there are other issues such as the children’s inability to forge positive relationships with stepparents. Whatever the reason, a grandparent who decides to step in should do so with the clearest possible understanding of the challenges and rewards.

The Queens Village Family Consultation Services program, while affiliated with the Episcopalian church, is considered non-sectarian, and provides additional services to families including a three-hour after school program, four days per week, designed to help youngsters with homework and reading. The last hour of the program, according to Hill, is always dedicated to recreational activities.

"Some of the grandparents cannot help [the kids] with the homework," he explained. "So we are able to provide that for them. The organization also brings in consultants such as lawyers, healthcare professionals and teachers and other professionals, to support the families.

The grandparents support group meets every Tuesday morning at the center located at 216-10 Jamaica Ave. in Queens Village. They can be reached by telephone at 776-2333.