The Legislative Review

When Jeff Rosenstock, the force behind Queens Theatre in the Park, called me to chat about the Legislative Review – his annual political spoof starring our borough’s camera-crazed politicos, I explained that personal commitments forced me to pass on this year’s show. I was there at the inaugural Leg Review and had a blast and attended several since then — they’re always fun. Then when I got a preview of Gary Ackerman and Helen Marshall’s material and a tease e-mail from rock-star wannabe Pete Vallone, Jr., I was upset that I was going to miss the fun on Saturday night.

I awoke Sunday morning to an email from Marcia Comrie, Trib Contributing editor and wife of Queens City Council delegation leader Leroy Comrie – a rather large ham himself – detailing her family’s fun at the event.

Marcia wrote:

I know Ang [Trib political reporter Angela Montefinise] was there covering for the papers so you don’t need my writing but:

Did you know Ack does a mean Bush? He came onstage tonight as Bush (complete w/cowboy hat) and was rehearsing a speech trying to pronounce the words (“nuclear and Massachusetts” come to mind). He was hilarious! Then Helen [the Beep Marshall] joined him as Condi Rice [Bush’s National Security Advisor] and they did that whole “Hu’s on first” skit we got via email. If the Congressional thing doesn’t work out he could consider hitting the boards. [Both Marcia and Ackerman had sent me by email a modern day political version of the Abbot and Costello “Who’s On First” spoof. This one was centered on the General Secretary of China’s Communist Party Hu Jintao — pronounced “who.” The routine at the left, is the work of a playwright named Jim Sherman.

The Trib got mentioned in a “Jeopardy” question too. “What Queens newspaper did Gary Ackerman found and is he now part owner of again?” ’Twas pretty cool.

As for Pete Vallone, Jr., well, let’s just say he’s a frustrated rock star. Complete with ripped shirt, bandana tied around his head, dark glasses and a guitar, he really took a good swipe at Charles Barron’s DC speech set to the tune of Billy Idol’s “White Wedding.”  He also poked fun at the budget, David Weprin’s “make over,” and Mayor Mike’s wealth set to the tune of “If I Had A Million Dollars,’” the cute little Lotto ditty. And the cool thing is that he wrote his own “role.”

The Weprin brothers also starred in a very funny skit (Trib photographer Dee Richard had a cameo in theirs). David’s actually in on the joke about his publicity loving ways and his “Cuban Roots.”

But if you hear Benjamin Comrie [Marcia and Leroy’s almost-5-yr. old] tell it, it’s his daddy who stole the show.

“That was a cool show!” He exclaimed at the end. “And daddy made it even gooder!”

But there was also a very poignant moment when Claire Shulman and Vallone, Sr., appeared, dressed to the nines, and reminisced about their own glory days in politics — using the song “I Remember It Well” as the glue.

Vallone: “I remember when we met at City Hall”

Claire: “But now we meet at the Queens Center Mall”

Both: “I remember it well.”

Oh, Joe Crowley has a future in music too. He did a very good job on Paul Simon’s “Me and Julio,” complete with guitar and all the special flourishes the song has. He’s really cool. Who’da “thunk” it?

Marcia didn’t know that when I first met Joe Crowley, he was onstage performing in a band some twenty years ago; Gary Ackerman has been the funniest person I know for the past 40 years, and Peter, Sr. and Claire stole everyone’s hearts in their touching performances in the first several Legislative Reviews. Sorry I missed the fun. Marcia, save me a seat next year.

Taxes, Service Cuts and Playing Politics

Mike Bloomberg and the City Council do not have an easy job.

They are faced with the task of adjusting the current fiscal year (ending June 30, 2003) budget for a billion dollar shortfall.

That’s nothing. . .they face a $6 billion deficit in the next fiscal year.

These guys and gals who just came into office have to do what Rudy Giuliani and Peter Vallone and company never had to. And it’s not their fault. The economic downturn nationwide coupled with a greater impact due to 9-11 has caused NYC revenue estimates to plummet. The boom times of the nineteen nineties are gone. The fiscal constraint years of the new century are upon us.

And there is no easy solution.

For every new tax or revenue stream – as they like to call taxes – there is a lobby or special interest group yelling.

For every service or personnel cut there is a different lobby or special interest group yelling.

I believe that Mike Bloomberg has no political agenda other than to provide the necessary services to our City and bring a budget into balance. He is asking for larger numbers than he expects to get. Bloomberg is an effective negotiator and this City is indeed fortunate to have his business acumen, his independence and his accomplished, fearless style.

His partners in this unenviable effort are the new City Council led by Speaker Giff Miller, wise beyond his 32 years. Now, politics seem to play more of a role in the Council positions, but they too, led by Miller, want what is best for this City. Miller’s political agenda (he eyes the Mayoralty and might be facing Bloomberg in 2005), has seemingly not interfered with his skilled leadership.

Bloomberg and Miller must keep their eye on the ball. They must work together and they can’t expect too much help from a fiscally messed-up State. New York State suffers from greater budget miscalculations than the City.

The message is simple. There will be new taxes. There will be service cuts. There will be layoffs.

We all have to be ready to deal with them and live with them. They are essential in this economy.

Mike Bloomberg and Giff Miller have the rare challenge and opportunity to bring some sense and some solutions to this awful situation.

They must work together. They must avoid politics. They must serve our City.

The system seems to have worked. We have two people, gifted and capable, ready to serve. We have a Council that cares.

They are going to do their jobs.

The rest is up to all of us.

— Marcia Comrie contributed to this column

‘Who’s On First?’

By playwright Jim Sherman — written after Hu Jintao [“Who”] was named chief of the Communist Party in China

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

Bush: Condi!  Nice to see you.  What’s happening?
Condi:  Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
Bush: Great.  Lay it on me.
Condi:  Hu is the new leader of China.
Bush:   That’s what I want to know.
Condi:  That’s what I’m telling you.
Bush:   That’s what I’m asking you.  Who is the new leader of China?
Condi:  Yes.
Bush: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi:  Hu.
Bush:   The guy in China.
Condi:  Hu.
Bush:  The new leader of China.
Condi:  Hu.
Bush:   The Chinaman!
Condi:  Hu is leading China.
Bush:   Now whaddya’ asking me for?
Condi:  I’m telling you Hu is leading China.
Bush: Well, I’m asking you.  Who is leading China?
Condi:  That’s the man’s name.
Bush:   That’s who’s name?
Condi:  Yes.
Bush:   Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi:  Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir?  Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi:  That’s correct.
Bush:  Then who is in China?
Condi:  Yes, sir.
Bush:   Yassir is in China?
Condi:  No, sir.
Bush: Then who is?
Condi:  Yes, sir.
Bush:   Yassir?
Condi:  No, sir.
Bush: Look, Condi.  I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi:  Kofi?
Bush: No, thanks.
Condi:  You want Kofi?
Bush:   No.
Condi:  You don’t want Kofi.
Bush:   No.  But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.  And then get me the U.N.
Condi:  Yes, sir.
Bush: Not Yassir!  The guy at the U.N.
Condi:  Kofi?
Bush:   Milk!  Will you please make the call?
Condi:  And call who?
Bush: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi:  Hu is the guy in China.
Bush: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi:  Yes, sir.
Bush:   And stay out of the Middle East!  Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi:  Kofi.
Bush: All right!  With cream and two sugars.   Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi:  Rice, here.
Bush:   Rice?  Good idea.  And a couple of egg rolls, too.  Maybe we should send some to the guy in China.  And the Middle East.  Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

The Congressional Calendar

True story!

They don’t usually happen like this, but this one did.

Trib Associate Publisher Mike Nussbaum and I were in my office trying to schedule a meeting for the first week in December. On my wall hangs a Congressional calendar printed by the “U.S. Historical Society?” and sent to me compliments of Congresswoman Carolyn Maloney. Now, I received an identical calendar from Gary Ackerman and used to get them when Tom Manton was in the House, but Carolyn’s came first and went up on the hook. The calendars are pretty and each month has an adjoining photo of an historic landmark — really appropriate for a political columnist’s office.

I remember receiving some sort of addendum to the calendar almost a year ago, but it was a single unattached sheet that has long ago disappeared.

“Mike,” I say, “Our meeting is the first Tuesday in December.”

Nussbaum walks over to the calendar, flips up the month of December, looks and says, “December second.”

I reply, “I thought it was on the third, let me check my email confirmation.”

“No,” insists Mike looking at the calendar, “If it’s Tuesday, it’s the second; if it’s the third, it’s Wednesday.”

Not quite.

I recalled the calendar addendum. Stood up from my desk and flipped the calendar back to November reciting, “30 days has September, April, June and NOVEMBER,” and pointed to the November 31st incorrectly printed at the end of the month. Then I flipped the page observing the entire month of December was one day off.

Sure I remembered now. I had run an item on the printing error last January on the QConf page. It was funny then as Mike and I recalled it.

It was funnier now.

No surprise, everything out of Washington, D.C. is not perfect.

Not4Publication.com by Dom Nunziato

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Michael Schenkler can be reached at: MSchenkler@queenspress.com