| Clueless
The solutions to life’s most complex
problems
are often closer than you think, but in the case
of one Whitestone resident, it was practically under her nose.
This is a true story.
Like hundreds of other troubled Queens
locals, Yvette Miller recently wrote the
Trib Action Desk to find out how she could
get a traffic light placed on the corner of
160th and Clintonville streets.
Apparently local cars have been zipping right through the stop sign.
Problems such as the one Miller described fall under the auspices of
the Department of Transportation and are not uncommon. In fact, just about any DOT
employee could probably tell you how to go about remedying the problem. Well…all
except one.
When a Trib scribe attempted to contact Miller to notify
her of the process, he was greeted by a rather interesting answering machine message.
"Hi, you have reached Yvette Miller," the machine began.
"This is the Department of Transportation."
Miller resigned from her position Jan. 12 – maybe she just
couldn’t get the hang of it.
Cheeech!
President
Gets Cyber-Bushwacked
A powerful and complex search engine has been linking the President
George "Dubya" to sub-intelligence. Until recently, the complete, spelled-out
words ‘dumb motherfu——’ in the popular search engine Google led you
right to a website of President Bush.
Georgewbushstore.com, is a legitimate online store that is
licensed to sell Bush apparel such as golf caps of "W Stands for Winner" and
"Bush 2000" victory pins. The site had nothing to do with the blasphemous words
that linked directly to their store.
"It was a malicious act intended to denigrate the president,"
said Ted Jackson, president of the Spalding Group in Louisville, KY, which runs the
web store.
The link was traced back to a men’s online magazine, Huge Disk.
According to Huge Disk, a column "innocently ran a link from the words...to the George
W. Bush online campaign store."
Search engines like Google, recognized the link, and the store became
the #1 stop for the sacrilegious words.
"This is the Wild, Wild West of the internet," said Jackson.
Huge Disk has since removed the link.
On a lighter, more local note, dialing 1800-VALLONE gets you to a phone
sex line.
The sensual, womanly voice on Intimate Encounters speaks of working
girls, housewives and college girls "waiting to get you off," for 69 cents a
minute.
Peter Vallone, Jr. confirmed that the office of City Council
Speaker Peter Vallone did not run the phone sex line.
The Speaker has other plans for his time after being term-limited out of the Council.
Counting
Odyssey
Can another Floriduh vote debacle be prevented?
All the census forms have already been read. The Census 2000 used
handwriting recognition software to decipher chicken scratch on billions of pages of forms
we filled out. It turns out, the software is 99.4 percent accurate, better than humans.
Big Brother took snapshots of die-hard sports fans that went through
turnstiles to watch the Super Bowl in Tampa. The face scans were cross-referenced with
digital pics of criminals, as police were looking on, ready to make their next arrest.
Wonder why, with all this technology, we are having trouble counting ballots, and why
are we still using punchcards?
From Pauper
To Playboy
Apparently becoming a male model is as simple as walking into a
barbershop and asking for a blue Mohawk. Well, at least that’s how Queens native Chris
Grossarth nailed his gig.
Chris Grossarth
|
Though the 20-year-old construction
worker walked into an Astor Street shop looking for nothing more than an offbeat hairdo,
he came out with a whole lot more than he bargained for.
Spotted by a scout for Donald Trump’s
booming modeling agency T Management, Grossarth was goaded into momentarily putting off
the blue Mohawk so he could take some test shots.
Sure enough, in no time flat the blonde
heartthrob was off the mean streets of Queens and onto the catwalks of Milan –
shaking his tusch for such prestigious designers as Boss and Hugo.
Gossarth is booked to shoot ads for DKNY, Armani and Gap
this spring and incidentally, he still hasn’t gotten his Mohawk yet.
Sound Bites
• CIVIL WAR? Dem District Leader Elmer Blackburn
has withdrawn his support of his own co-district leader Amanda Clark, a candidate
for Juanita Watkins’ soon-to-be-vacated Council seat.
Blackburn reportedly said that Clark needs to know who the real leader
is.
Is this a remake of the recent Henry McCoy v. Laura Sanders
feud that made the Southeast Queens Primary interesting last year?
• WEB HUMOR: Following in the bootsteps of Hillary Rodham Clinton,
we hear Jesse Jackson is penning a new book about his life as a man of the
cloth. Rumor has it the working title is: "Pastors Do More Than Lay People."
• LET THEM EAT CAKE: Super skinny, British super-model Kate Moss
was in town recently. She and a gaggle of her jet-setting pals went clubbing into the wee
hours to bring in her birthday. To which the wise cracking Dennis Miller commented,
" Kate Moss celebrated her birthday this week by watching all of her friends eat her
birthday cake."
• YEAR OF THE SNEAK: The Ch’an Meditation
Center of Elmhurst has announced that they were ushering in the Chinese New Year of the
Sneak.
In a recent press release received from the Ch’an Meditation
Center announcing the celebration of the new Lunar Year 4699, we could not help but notice
a slight typing error in the release. Instead of being "The Year of The Snake"
the press release read "The Year of The Sneak."
What was that old lawyer joke?
• A PAT ON THE BOTTOM: According to Reuters news report,
Italy’s Supreme Court decided that a little unexpected pat on the bottom at work does
not amount to sexual harassment — as long as it’s only occasional. The
country’s highest court of appeal last week recently overturned a man’s
conviction for patting a female colleague’s behind saying there was no evidence that
he had behaved "lasciviously."
Instead, the court ruled that any pat that is "isolated and impulsive" should
be OK.
• "N" IS FOR "NOT:" The South Queens Democratic
Club sent out a meeting notice, highlighting the guest speaker as "Honorable Peter
F. Vallonne." Now a true democratic would spot that there is one ‘N’
too many. One Democratic Party member, who asked not to be identified, commented that this
act was committed by a "vast right-wing conspiracy."
Confidentially New York . . . |
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E-MAIL your items to: conf@queenspress.com |
